We are not alone in our loneliness
- Diego Martinez
- Jun 4
- 5 min read
Updated: Jul 9
There are few life experiences that we have all gone through in the same way. Some people have never felt the anguish of hunger, the heaviness of depression, or the pain of losing a loved one. However, there is one vital experience that only a few lucky ones can say they have never faced: the feeling of loneliness.
I am a Chilean immigrant living in France. I came to this country following my heart, while all my family and friends stayed in my homeland. Over a year ago, I went through a divorce that plunged me into the deepest feeling of loneliness. Here, my only family is my children, and they are the reason I kept fighting and learned to live with the presence of this cold companion we call loneliness. This life experience pushed me to learn a lot about it, to stop running away from its presence, and to start listening to what it had to tell me. In this article, with the help of some external sources (don’t forget to visit the many links I’ve included), I wanted to share my learnings with you, hoping that my experience might help you understand and better cope with this reality that affects so many people today.
The Omnipresence of Loneliness
"Je suis pas seul à être tout seul" (I'm not alone in being alone) that’s how a song by Stromae, a French-speaking artist I deeply admire, begins. When I heard this song for the first time, I was deeply moved (its message is very powerful), and I spent a long time reflecting on the idea: that loneliness is a far more common presence than we might think. Recent scientific studies show that the feeling of loneliness has been on the rise in recent decades in many countries, especially in the more developed ones. Loneliness has become extremely common in our interconnected world. One example of this reality is that in Vlijmen, Netherlands, a supermarket chain has introduced “slow checkout lanes” for elderly people (and anyone, really) who feel lonely and wish to take the time to chat.
Thinking that I wasn’t “alone in being alone” helped me realize that I wasn’t “special” because of it, but rather that I was simply part of a widespread phenomenon and a reality that is, quite simply, part of life.
Loneliness has that effect it makes us “stare at our own navel,” makes us believe we’re special, and that’s normal. The feeling of loneliness, according to evolutionary psychology, serves to attract the attention of others, since from an evolutionary standpoint, my chances of survival increase if others take care of me and if I take care of myself. So, feeling self-centered when facing an overwhelming sense of loneliness is completely natural and expected we shouldn’t feel guilty about it. We need tenderness, attention, and of course, companionship. However, that need isn’t always met, and many times, we don’t even have someone who can fulfill it. That’s where becoming aware that “we are not alone in being alone” can help.
Focusing on oneself at first is normal, but after a while, if no one comes, lifting your head becomes a matter of life or death. Looking around and realizing that no one is coming to rescue us because, surely, others are also waiting to be rescued can completely change your life. When we’re in the middle of the sea of loneliness, waiting, but no one arrives, we have two options: let ourselves drown or fight. That’s where a breaking point occurs one that can completely transform us.
The Probability of a Better Future: Tips for Living Solitude More Fully
Enjoying Yourself
Science tells us that loneliness leads us to turn inward, to become selfish and there’s nothing wrong with that. It’s simply a defense mechanism. However, to move out of this state, there’s nothing better than, like judokas, using the force of our “opponent” to our own advantage. Focusing on yourself can be incredibly helpful in escaping the quicksand of solitude. This time can become an opportunity to improve, discover new sides of yourself, strengthen those you already know, or simply enjoy new hobbies. Having more time for yourself is valuable, and learning to be alone and “self-cultivate” may be an opportunity that only comes a few times in life.
Don’t Be Too Demanding
When we’re alone, we often wish to receive attention and love from others. However, sometimes the best option is to become the source of that tenderness we long for. Stopping the waiting game and beginning to move forward step by step is essential. It’s important not to be too demanding: like lighting a fire in the middle of the night, warmth and light come gradually. Patience is essential, and celebrating small achievements will be the fuel that helps the flame grow stronger. As mentioned in another one of our articles, having a “sense of purpose” allows us to move forward. During times of solitude (and depression in general), that purpose can and should be “ourselves” at least for a while and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.
Marisa G. Franco : "The Secret to Making New Friends as an Adult"(Click on the image to watch the video.)
Evoking Good Moments
In the darkness of night, when the light from the fire we've just built on our own begins to grow, let’s pause for a moment to remember that, just a short while ago, everything was dark and now, the chances of things getting better are increasing. In his book "Man’s Search for Meaning", Viktor Frankl, the father of logotherapy (whom we've already discussed on our blog), shared how during his time in the Auschwitz concentration camps, the memory of joyful moments with loved ones and the hope of seeing them again kept him alive.
When the fire becomes a bit stronger, let’s do as Viktor did: think of the encounters we've had throughout life, of the people who once appeared, and all those who might come back into our lives. No one including you, reading this now is destined to be alone. Work on yourself, tend to your fire, and soon that warmth will become a home for others seeking the same comfort you once searched for. Being a light for others may be the best way to stop feeling alone.
In short, solitude is a universal experience, and facing it can transform us. By understanding that we are not alone in our loneliness and focusing on personal growth, we can find the strength to overcome it and, at the same time, become a beacon of hope for others.
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