We are not alone in our solitude
- Diego Martinez
- Jul 13
- 5 min read
There are few life experiences that we have all gone through in the same way. Some people have never felt the anguish of hunger, the heaviness of depression, or the pain of losing a loved one. However, there is one experience that only a few lucky ones can say they’ve never felt: the feeling of loneliness.
I am a Chilean immigrant living in France. I came to this country following my heart, leaving all my family and friends behind in my homeland. A little over a year ago, I went through a divorce that plunged me into the deepest feeling of loneliness. Here, my only family are my children, and they are the reason I kept fighting and learned to live with the presence of this cold companion we call loneliness. This life experience pushed me to learn a lot about it, to stop running from its presence and to listen to what it had to say to me. In this article, with the help of some external sources (don’t forget to visit the many links I’ve provided), I wanted to share my learnings with you, hoping that my experience can help you better understand and cope with this reality that affects so many people today.
The Omnipresence of Loneliness
"Je suis pas seul à être tout seul" ("I'm not alone in being alone") this is how a song by Stromae, a French-speaking artist I deeply admire, begins. When I first heard this song, I was incredibly moved (the lyrics are very powerful), and I thought for a long time about the fact that loneliness is a much more common presence than we might think. Recent scientific studies show that the feeling of loneliness has increased over the past decades in many countries (especially the more developed ones). Loneliness has become something extremely common in an interconnected world. One example of this reality is in Vlijmen, the Netherlands, where a supermarket chain has introduced “slow checkouts” for elderly people (and anyone, really) who feel lonely and want to take the time to have a conversation.
Thinking that I was not “alone in being alone” helped me realize that I was not “special” for being so, but rather that I was simply part of a huge phenomenon and a reality that is simply part of life.
Solitude has this effect: it makes us “see our own bellybutton,” makes us believe we are special, and that is normal. The feeling of loneliness, according to evolutionary psychology, aims to attract the attention of others, because from an evolutionary point of view, my chances of survival increase if others take care of me and if I take care of myself. Therefore, focusing on oneself when facing an overwhelming sensation of loneliness is completely natural and expected; we should not feel guilty about it. We need tenderness, attention, and, of course, companionship. However, this need is not always fulfilled, and often we don’t even have anyone who can fulfill it. This is where becoming aware that “we are not alone in being alone” can help.
Focusing on oneself at first is normal, but after a while, if no one comes, lifting your head becomes a matter of life or death. Looking around and realizing that no one will come to rescue us because, surely, others are also waiting to be rescued, can completely change life. When we are in the middle of the sea of solitude, waiting but no one arrives, we have two options: let ourselves drown or fight. That is where a breaking point occurs, which can completely transform us.
(You can translate the site using the option at the top right of the address bar.)
The Probability of a Better Future: Tips for Better Living with Loneliness
Enjoying Yourself
Science says that loneliness leads us to focus on ourselves and become selfish, and this is not a bad thing, it is simply a defense mechanism. However, to get out of this situation, nothing is better than, as if we were judokas, using the forces of our enemy in our favor. Focusing on oneself can be very helpful to get out of the quicksand of loneliness. This time can become an opportunity to improve, discover new facets of oneself, improve those we already know, or simply enjoy new hobbies. Having more time for yourself is precious, and learning to be alone and “self-cultivate” can be an opportunity you will have few times in your life.
Not Being Too Demanding
When we are alone, we wish to receive attention and love from others; however, sometimes the best option is to become the source of that tenderness we are looking for. Stopping to wait and starting to move forward, little by little, is fundamental. It is important not to be too demanding, like when lighting a fire in the middle of the night the light and heat will come little by little, patience is essential, and enjoying the small achievements will be the fuel to make the fire stronger and stronger. As we mentioned in another of our articles, having a “meaning” allows us to move forward. During loneliness (and depression in general), our meaning should be “ourselves” (for a time) and that is nothing wrong.
Marisa G. Franco: "The secret to making new friends as an adult"
(Click on the image to watch the video.)
Evoking good memories
In the middle of the night’s darkness, when the fire we just built on our own begins to grow, let’s stop for a moment and remember that just a short while ago, everything was darkness and now, the probability that things will get better is rising. In his book “Man’s Search for Meaning”, Viktor Frankl, father of logotherapy (whom we’ve already discussed on our blog), shared how during his time in the Auschwitz concentration camps, the memory of good moments with his loved ones and the hope of seeing them again kept him alive.
When your fire is burning a bit stronger, do as Viktor did think about the people you’ve met throughout your life, those who once appeared, and all those who might reappear. No one not even you, reading this is destined to be alone. Work on yourself, build your fire, and soon that warmth will become a home for others who are seeking the same warmth you once searched for. Becoming a light for others is perhaps the best way to stop being alone.
In summary, solitude is a universal experience, and facing it can transform us. By understanding that we are not alone in our loneliness and by focusing on our own personal growth, we can find the strength to overcome it and, in doing so, become a beacon of hope for others.
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